When to Say No
"He said to them 'Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.' So they went away by themselves in a boat to a solitary place"
I say it to my kids ALL the time...
"Erm, I'll have Haribo's for breakfast please."
"Erm, did you put slugs in this dinner, mam?"
No.
It's my most uttered phrase since having kids and yet, when it comes to hospitality....not so much.
I'm going to go out on limb here and say that there seems to be a misconception that when you do biblical hospitality you can't say no to anyone. Lots of people feel hospitality is "too much" because you can't ever say no. Most people don't ever start being hospitable because they don't want to get to a stage where they never say no to people coming over.
So what about it?
When should we say "no".
CAN we ever say "No" to another person traipsing through our front door or tagging along to do our shopping?
Well, the answer to that is yes you can say no.
Mark 6v31-32
I say it to my kids ALL the time...
"Erm, I'll have Haribo's for breakfast please."
"No"
"Erm, did you put slugs in this dinner, mam?"
"No, that's a mushroom"
"So, when I get a unicorn, I'll be able to ride it while it's flying, or just on the ground?"
"Erm, no and no"
No.
It's my most uttered phrase since having kids and yet, when it comes to hospitality....not so much.
I'm going to go out on limb here and say that there seems to be a misconception that when you do biblical hospitality you can't say no to anyone. Lots of people feel hospitality is "too much" because you can't ever say no. Most people don't ever start being hospitable because they don't want to get to a stage where they never say no to people coming over.
So what about it?
When should we say "no".
CAN we ever say "No" to another person traipsing through our front door or tagging along to do our shopping?
Well, the answer to that is yes you can say no.
BUT
Let me tell you what I've learned about saying it...
WHY we should say no...
We should say no for a few reasons;
Because we are not machines. (Exodus 34v21)
Jesus told His disciples to take times of rest. (Mark 6v31-32)
Time with Him. (Hebrews 4v10)
He tells us there are particular times to focus on particular things. Seasons of life. (Ecclesesiastes 3v1)
God did not make us the 4th emergency service.
Or anyone's saviour.
We say no because it stops us from thinking we're the answer. That without us, others will not be saved, or helped, or able to live. These things are lies that we buy into without realising, particularly when we're dealing with people who have multiple issues in their lives.
We say no so we can rest.
When we are hanging out with people often, living alongside them, sharing with their highs and lows, we can start to believe that we are the ONLY person who can help them. That WE are what they need. That if WE don't do it no-one else will and then bad things will happen.
This is just us kicking God out of His chair and putting ourselves back at the centre of the universe.
We should say no because God is sovereign and we are not.
WHEN we should say no...
We should say no when:
We are at the end of ourselves and we're struggling to get out of bed.
When it's taking us away from our primary calling more than it should.
When our helping is actually hurting, or enabling, or contributing to someone's problems.
We say no when it is pulling us away from God. When we haven't had a quiet time for 6 months. When we have cancelled plans with our families too many times. When it's dragging us down a road of despair and depression.
When we say no to being hospitable we need to have a big look at our hearts.
Why are we saying it?
Very often the reason most of us say no to having people over, or going over to someone else's house, or meeting up with someone is because it will cost us something.
WHY we should say no...We should say no for a few reasons;
Because we are not machines. (Exodus 34v21)
Jesus told His disciples to take times of rest. (Mark 6v31-32)
Time with Him. (Hebrews 4v10)
He tells us there are particular times to focus on particular things. Seasons of life. (Ecclesesiastes 3v1)
God did not make us the 4th emergency service.
Or anyone's saviour.
We say no because it stops us from thinking we're the answer. That without us, others will not be saved, or helped, or able to live. These things are lies that we buy into without realising, particularly when we're dealing with people who have multiple issues in their lives.
We say no so we can rest.
When we are hanging out with people often, living alongside them, sharing with their highs and lows, we can start to believe that we are the ONLY person who can help them. That WE are what they need. That if WE don't do it no-one else will and then bad things will happen.
This is just us kicking God out of His chair and putting ourselves back at the centre of the universe.
We should say no because God is sovereign and we are not.
WHEN we should say no...
We should say no when:
We are at the end of ourselves and we're struggling to get out of bed.
When it's taking us away from our primary calling more than it should.
When our helping is actually hurting, or enabling, or contributing to someone's problems.
We say no when it is pulling us away from God. When we haven't had a quiet time for 6 months. When we have cancelled plans with our families too many times. When it's dragging us down a road of despair and depression.
BUT
Why are we saying it?
Very often the reason most of us say no to having people over, or going over to someone else's house, or meeting up with someone is because it will cost us something.
And, quite frankly, we're not prepared to pay that kind of price.
We say no to other people in our lives because we want things on our own terms. We want the benefits and blessings that it gives us, without the hard work and sacrifice.
We say no because ultimately we're selfish.
Think back to the last time you said no to meeting up with other people in your own home or somewhere else...why was that?
Because that person does your head in?
Because it required effort?
Because you were too fearful?
These are all reasons I've said no over the years and let me humbly tell you, these are not reasons to say no.
Being hospitable does mean you are going to have to sacrifice things. Your time, your money, your personal space.
It is going to be hard work.
Because that person does your head in?
Because it required effort?
Because you were too fearful?
These are all reasons I've said no over the years and let me humbly tell you, these are not reasons to say no.
Being hospitable does mean you are going to have to sacrifice things. Your time, your money, your personal space.
It is going to be hard work.
Exhausting even.
It will make your cry.
More than once.
Most of the time, we (and I mean me when I say that) say no for the wrong reasons. We say it not because we're on our knees. Or struggling spiritually. Not because we're enabling someone to keep sinning. Or because we need to get our relationship with God back on track.
We say it cos we feel it's just too hard. Because it requires more than we're willing to sacrifice. Because we feel we deserve something else.
When me or my husband say no to someone we usually talk about that with other godly, and wise people. We have people around us, who will challenge our hearts and our diaries. They will help us look at why we are saying yes or no to people. And it's part of our marriage too. We will ask each other often why we are seeing that person, or investing so much, or not so much time in them.
Most of the time, we (and I mean me when I say that) say no for the wrong reasons. We say it not because we're on our knees. Or struggling spiritually. Not because we're enabling someone to keep sinning. Or because we need to get our relationship with God back on track.
We say it cos we feel it's just too hard. Because it requires more than we're willing to sacrifice. Because we feel we deserve something else.
When me or my husband say no to someone we usually talk about that with other godly, and wise people. We have people around us, who will challenge our hearts and our diaries. They will help us look at why we are saying yes or no to people. And it's part of our marriage too. We will ask each other often why we are seeing that person, or investing so much, or not so much time in them.
We do this, because we're really good at lying to ourselves.
I have said no and said yes for the wrong reasons many times. I have ignored the phone and yes...even hidden with my kids from knocks at the front door. I have had people over when it's only served to send them further down the road of sin, or when it's meant they see me as the answer and not Jesus.
There are times when we say no.
We do have days off.
We do go on holiday.
I do turn off my phone at night, or when I'm away.
I have muted some conversations on WhatsApp for a couple of hours.
I have not always answered the door.
But the best yard stick I've found when wanting to say no to hospitality is this...
I have said no and said yes for the wrong reasons many times. I have ignored the phone and yes...even hidden with my kids from knocks at the front door. I have had people over when it's only served to send them further down the road of sin, or when it's meant they see me as the answer and not Jesus.
There are times when we say no.
We do have days off.
We do go on holiday.
I do turn off my phone at night, or when I'm away.
I have muted some conversations on WhatsApp for a couple of hours.
I have not always answered the door.
But the best yard stick I've found when wanting to say no to hospitality is this...
WHY DO I WANT TO SAY IT?
Jesus said this in the Bible...
"Each tree is recognised by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briars. A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart if full of."
Luke 6:44-46
Can I challenge you with this, that your mouth will speak "No" because of what your heart is full of.
Don't be fooled.
Our hearts, although redeemed and saved, are selfish and full of sin.
Forgot about this and just got round to reading it! SO much truth and wisdom, and speaking directly to the discomfort in my heart today. Thank you- there is a right time for everything!
ReplyDeleteI wrote something a while back about how my own mental health had been negatively affected by years of walking through a dark place with someone else - I felt so guilty putting it into words- but then it seemed everyone reading it called out "classic rescuer syndrome " but that was brand new to me!! Definitely fall into that trap of thinking I am the solution- and have been slowly learning to step back and watch God provide in ways that don't always centre around me! It's such a difficult balance to strike with complacency and laziness though, and this post does such a good job of cutting to the heart of the matter. Well done!
Finding the balance is always so hard, it's like trying to grip sand between your fingers -you have that balance for a moment before it's slipped though and you're on one side or the other! Saying no and yes is sometimes just a hard call, and am so thankful that God is sovereign over both those choices even when I make the wrong one.
DeleteAmen to that!
ReplyDelete